When I am older than these small, goddamned hills;
and there's no reason for my mind to be still;
Oh, how I'll feel like a beautiful child again!
~Beautiful Child, by Rufus Wainwright
Warning: This is the official Poor Pitiful Paige entry.
I've got a neck/back problem, and it's 5:45 am.
Hells no, I'm not up this early...are you frickin' kidding?
I haven't really gone to bed...yet. I took a muscle relaxer when I came home from work this afternoon, which knocked me out for 3 hours or so. Around 9:00 this evening I awoke (feeling much like an extra in Dawn of the Dead) and chowed down on some leftover Chinese takeout (which is all-together a separate blog entry in itself).
Alas, some good news (for me, anyway...most of you will be slightly ambivalent at best, sickened at worst): I read that Season 1 of Tim and Eric Awesome Show: Great Job! is being released April 22.
So there's that.
Check out John C. Reilly in this clip. Really. It'll make me feel better, if you do.
I love Google Alerts, most of the time. I get a little goofy when I see a new Rufus Wainwright or vegetarian cooking headline show up in my email. A little bit of happiness, right there in my inbox, which I can greedily read right then and there, or I can prolong that excitement, and put it off for a couple of hours. Or a couple of days, if I want to. It's the same reason I love my DVR service.
Of course, once in a while I want to read about something more substantial, something that affects myself and my family everyday. That something is Autism, of course.
When I saw this headline from Google Alerts, I immediately felt a little nauseous.
This child died two years ago, and the parents are now suing the "doctor"for wrongful death. This is the first I've heard of the story, but I have to say it: I'm angry that this "doctor" made a fatal mistake that killed a child, and I'm pissed that the parents sought out this quack therapy to "cure" their child of Autism.
More than that, though, I just feel an overwhelming sadness for this little boy who died. I wonder if his parents are happy now? I mean, when you think about it...they found the cure for Autism, right?
1. Misplacing my camera. Yep, went to park day Tuesday, and got caught in a downpour as we were leaving. In the rush to get out of there (and just after Loryn had taken off her clothes for a dip in the North River...more details later) my camera was picked up by another Mom in our crew. No worries now, but I was a little...frantic...when I finally got to the van and realized I didn't have it.
2. Microsoft Vista sucks.
3. Cancer sucks. I have a bumper sticker that says "Cancer sucks" that my friend Dan gave me. He's been through it, so he should know. My Granny has cancer, and is probably dying. She is 86, and just had a mastectomy. Tell me that doesn't suck.
4. End of school year evaluations suck. In Virginia, we have to show "evidence of progress" by a child having scored in or above the fourth stanine on any nationally normed standardized achievement test, or by an assessment or evaluation that the superintendent determines to indicate that the child has achieved an adequate level of growth and progress. I've really got to get on board...these evaluations, whichever route you decide to go, are to be submitted by August 1. I haven't even ordered our CAT test yet. I'll put the order in this week...I promise!
5. Having a yeast infection sucks. Having a yeast infection along with your period sucks BALLS. 'Nuff said.
You enjoy parenting most when you feel expansive andflowing -- the way you feel when you're not under anykind of pressure.
One of the most common pressures of modern life is*time pressure*: having to be somewhere or dosomething by a certain time. Young children naturallylive in the moment, not by the clock, so subjectingthem to time pressure usually leads to discord.
To reduce time pressure in your daily groove...
* Decide that geniality (feeling good) is more important than punctuality (being 'right').
* Don't agree to be on time -- build flexibility into your agreements. ("I'll be there around 7:00-ish.")
* When you really want to be on time to an appointment, give yourself LOTS of extra cushion time -- just accept that life with kids is less "efficient."
* Don't rush when you're late -- call and renegotiate! For all you know, the person you're meeting may be late, too.
* When you can get away with it, don't make plans at all! Enjoy living spontaneously!
http://dailygroove.net/time-pressure Feel free to forward this message to your friends!(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)Copyright (c) 2007 by Scott Noelle ********************************************************************************
I posted today's Daily Groove here, for all to enjoy. Those of you who know me IRL know that this Groove is pretty much the way I live my life. I am often late for things, even if I agree to be at a certain place at a certain "ish" time (for example, "2:00-ish" instead of 2:00).
And how many times has this been around, again? It's fun, though, so I'll play along. That, plus I don't have anything pressing to write about now. Or, maybe I have too many things to write about, and I can't focus on just one or two...yeah, that's probably more likely.
To borrow a phrase from my good friend Steph, "Those who can, write. Those who can't...post Memes!".
8 Things About Me:
1. I have four daughters, and I despise people who ask me, "Oh, you were really trying for that boy, huh?". Fuck, that drives me crazy. Even worse is when someone asks Dave whether or not he could make a boy baby. Some people are stupid as hell. My girls are pretty amazing, and I've never once wished I had a boy. I mean, it might be nice, when I really think about it...but that's just baby-making hormones talking. I'm really happy with my kids. And we're done! (Pretty sure, anyway)!
2. I'm married to my best friend (the aforementioned "Dave"). He's smart, and funny, and wonderful. I met him through a McDonald's drive-thru speaker, kind of. His voice got to me...deep and sexy. Then when I drove around to the window, there he was, and he made me laugh at something silly he said. Did I mention he was a babe? (And by "babe", I mean he was a babe...19 years old, I think. I was 23). Anyway, I couldn't get him out of my mind, how cute he was, so I started coming by at lunch-time every day for a large Diet Coke (light ice), and we chatted a bit, and flirted a lot. Fast forward a couple of weeks, when, on his day off, he came by my work (the local library) as I was leaving, and asked me out to dinner. I was a single Mama (to wee Shelby, then about 3), and I turned him down because I didn't have a sitter. HE said, "No problem...I'd like to take you both out", and so we (all 3) went on our first date to a local buffet-style restaurant. He came back to my apartment after that, and the next thing I knew his clothes had mysteriously wandered into my closet. For the most part, we've been together ever since. We eloped in November of '97 (I was preggers with Tori), so this year is the big 10 year Anniversary! Seems like just yesterday.
3. I used to have a couple of piercings, but I let them close up. Right now I've got 3 holes in my left ear, and 2 in my right. I don't need anymore now, though I do think about getting my tongue pierced again. I've got one tattoo, and I want to get at least one more, that would be just for me. Plus, Dave and I are thinking about doing the Pam and Tommy Lee thing and getting rings tattooed on our ring fingers (neither of us wears a wedding band). I also dye my hair (often!), sometimes in some pretty wild colors. I guess I'm not ready to grow up yet.
4. I have a thing for erotic fiction. I want to write my own. I also like erotic photography.
5. I love, love, love music. I love Rufus Wainwright. He is above and beyond all others, to me. I might even consider leaving Dave for him (and Dave knows this), except for the fact that Rufus is a gay man. I would wash his underwear, though, if he wanted me to. Or I could trim his toenails. He's brilliant, and beautiful. The title of this blog is from a RW song, Beautiful Child.
And I'm going to see him (with Neko Case) in Charlottesville, on August 15. Hold me back.
6. I'm not religious. I don't believe in a christian god. I think of myself as a spiritual agnostic, with Wiccan tendencies. 7. One of my favorite books is The World According to Garp, by John Irving. As far as flicks go, I'm a big fan of documentaries and independent films. Gotta love the IFC and Sundance channels! 8. I'm not a joiner, and I consider it my mission to question everything...especially authority!
I'm not tagging anyone, but send me your links if you respond to this meme. I'd love to see your 8 things!
World of Warcraft, of course! I'm loving it so much, it's not even funny. My friend Dan (who I hold partly responsible for my madness) told me of people who have been in counseling because they're WoW addicts.
(That Wiki link is huge, BTW).
My feeling on the addiction aspect is that it's a crock of shit, personally. If someone is playing WoW (or any other game, really) for several hours a day, every day, and not developing or nurturing relationships, slacking off from work, or school...if they're not eating, or reading, or masturbating, or swimming, or what-have-you...then they've got bigger issues than gaming, IMO.
I attended Radford University, just down the road from Virginia Tech, from 1991-1993.
I am still not able to fully grasp everything that's happened, and I don't have the words to express the confusion, sadness, and anger that I feel. My girls are confused, and looking to me for answers, and I have none.
My heart goes out to everyone affected by this tragedy.
Dave quit his job on Wednesday, came home and was off for the rest of the week. This is HUGE for us, as he is used to working some downright crazy hours. I've often said if we didn't home/unschool, he would never really spend much time with the kids. It was really nice to have him home with us for 4 whole days!
He started a new job today, and I'm really happy for him. So, to show my love and appreciation, (and to start his day out right), this is for him. Love ya, babe.
I'll just go ahead and get this out of the way: If anyone reading here has experience toilet-training little almost-5-year-old-Autie kids...I NEED HELP! Advice is most welcome, as well as "Been there, done that" stories.
And drugs! Um, I mean...medication, is always welcome. Legal or not-so-legal. No questions asked.
Step 1: I went to Wal-Mart today and bought most of the size 4 and 6 panties I could find for Loryn. Yes, I bought Barbie and Disney Princess crap, but hey...that's all I could find. Maybe I should have looked at the boys section, to see if they had Bob the Builder or Thomas the Train?
Shit...strike one.
But, she does seem to like the Princess panties. She wore a pair for several hours today, with no complaints. This is BIG for Lolo...she craves the security of a diaper, I think, and so when we tried panties before, she would bring me a diaper and frantically waves it in my face, wanting to put it on so she could pee or poop.
Step 2: I also bought a new potty-chair. At this point, I really hesitated to do so. Loryn actually sits on the toilet seat when I'm in the shower, so I know she can reach the toilet with no trouble. Still, I thought we might need a smaller seat for her to be *really* comfortable with the whole toilet-training saga, so I bought a new seat. No bells and whistles, but it has a really soft little toilet ring, and a lid, and it's CLEAN. Did I mention we already have a very plain, old, and pretty dirty potty-chair? But this new one has a FROG sticker, so that makes it better, right?
RIGHT?
I'll keep you posted. With several of us fighting colds (including the subject of this little experiment) it may be a bad idea. But I've just got to give it another try. You know why?
Two words: Shit fist.
If you've never felt the sheer joy of cleaning up a screaming kid's shit-covered hands and arms, well boy-howdy...you just haven't lived!
but you know how it goes. It can be difficult to make time for the things that give you peace (blogging, writing, cooking, sex, what-have-you), when the shit is hitting the fan.
Rough couple of weeks here lately. Some days none of us can get "in the groove" of our day. Seems as if two of us are relatively satisfied, usually one or two others are in a funk. And who knows what is causing the funk? Certainly not Mama. :-(
Of course, most of the issues revolve around Loryn. Sometimes (most of the time, unfortunately), I put her happiness over anyone else's. Way over my own, at least. I try to be fair to the other girls, but it can be so draining when dealing with just Loryn's wants and needs. Those are the days I just feel like I have nothing else to give. Little tokens of appreciation and love help, but the sad fact is I'm not able to just BE with Shelby, Tori, and Ashlyn...not the way my heart and soul are wanting to.
And, of course, writing this makes me feel like shit. The last time I wrote about Loryn, (her Autism, the tantrums, the fear and confusion Dave and I have a lot of the time), the next day she got sick. Throwing up, high fever, etc.
Mama guilt? Yep, big time.
I am supposed to be participating in a Writing Group that some of my homeschooling Mama friends have formed, but this past week was the first time I actually went to one of the meetings. I even brought a piece I had written, that was chock-full of angst, depression, anger, and self-pity. I scrawled and scribbled out this 3 page bit after a particularly bad day with Loryn, and after I saw (on my state-wide homeschooling Yahoo group) a post from a Mom who is thinking of homeschooling her 6 year old daughter, but doesn't know how she'll keep from going crazy!!??!!
WTF???
Goddess, help me. If I knew this lady, I might have smacked her. ;-)
I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel, though. I got away for a couple of hours today (to the library by myselfand to get my hair cut), and tonight Dave and I had a date night (we went to see Grindhouse, and it was awesome, of course!). When we got home, Loryn was just an angel. She has been super-sweet all night, and was even good for Granddad and Shelby while we were gone! Neither Dave nor I could remember the last time we went to the theater by ourselves. It must have been years.
Anyway, I promised Loryn, and myself, that I will be a better Mama. It's a promise I've got to make to all of my girls. Dave is off this weekend (he starts a new job Monday, BIG news here at home), so I hope I can take the girls out for a bit by ourselves. (Methinks a trip to Anime Hut is in our immediate future)! I really need to gather myself, and really be present for all of my children.
About the piece I wrote for the Writer's Group...I may post it here someday, but it's pretty depressing. I don't know how I'll feel knowing it's OUT, not tucked away safely in my journal. And I am fearful that people may think I really am a terrible Mom. The good news is that writing all of that shit out on paper seems to have helped me feel OK inside. I cried and scribbled, cried some more and scribbled some more, and it seems to have been a healing experience for me. So that's good, right?
I was, as you know, in a bit of a funk over the last week.
Things are better now, but I realize I wasn't specific (at least here, on the blog) about what the problem was.
Truth is, I don't know that I can be very specific, but I do know this:
Sometimes, when you're a Mama, you've just got to break down and cry. Especially if you're the Mama of a sweet little kid with Autism. I would substitute "issues" or "special needs" for the word "Autism", but let's call a spade a spade, shall we? Besides, I despise those terms...it is what it is: Autism. Autie. Lolo is an AUTist! She's AUTrageous! She's AUTta control!
Funny note: Today, Dave and I did our weekly shopping at Martin's, where there is a Kid's Treehouse (a little room with caregivers, computer games, crafts, make-believe area, etc.), so your kids can stay and play while you shop. (Did I mention that I freakin' LOVE Martin's? I was even able to fill up the van with premium gas for $1.45 a gallon, because of my savings there. Martin's rocks)!
So anyway, we're looking for the Melatonin (to help Lolo sleep), can't find it, and Dave calls me over to where he's looking. He tells me he found a supplement that we might want to try...it's called "Auti-Out"!
And I, ever the dumbass, fell for it. I actually went over and looked, before it hit me that he was joking. Good gawd.
In all seriousness, I had a couple of terrible days in a row, where I could do nothing all day because of Loryn's constant need to be in my space. If I showered, she cried. When I told her "no" over something, she hit me or kicked something. When I put my shoes on, she freaked out and followed me (crying, of course) from room to room. When we did go out, she ran off yelling, nearly getting lost in a store.
This was also the week when I saw this video.
And let me be honest: I found this video depressing. I cried for several minutes while I watched it, and even longer after I watched it.
But watching it again, just now, I see the beauty in silentmiaow's "native language". Watching it several days ago, however, when I was already feeling down, and more than a little stressed, was a bad idea.
Or maybe, it wasn't.
Maybe, it gave me some perspective.
Silentmiaow says that her language is about being in a constant conversation with every aspect of her environment. That made me think about Loryn, and also the way Ashlyn used to be (that is, more "typically" Autistic). What if Autistic people MUST interact with their environments in a "strange" (to us) manner? Hand flapping, chirping, cocking her head and squinting her eyes...these are just a few of Loryn's behaviours, but there are many, many more that Autists may exhibit. These bahaviours are beyond the Autistic person's control, yet so many NTs (Neuro-typicals) are uncomfortable in their presence. It saddens me, but then when I'm out somewhere with Loryn and I can feel the discomfort of others, it fucking pisses me off. I'm only a little bit ashamed to say that I've given my share of dirty looks right back, and even made some off-color remarks a time or two ("Do you have a fucking problem, asshole?" comes to mind). ;-) And I know people don't understand, and I should try to educate them about Autism and yada yada yada, but damn it makes me feel better, in that moment, to give it right back. Mama Lion and all that.
But, I had my cry (rather, cries) last week, and I feel much better now. We're experimenting with earlier bedtimes and more natural rhythms to our days (though, it IS 2:20 am now, and Loryn is still awake with me, eating Doritos and watching VeggieTales). It concerns me that Loryn will be 5 in May and is not trying to use the potty, and that she still wants to nurse several times a day, and that she still doesn't have more words, but it will get better. Now that my pity party is over, I'm seeing the sun shine again. All I have to do is look at Loryn's little face.
Here are some pics of my parents, when they got married in March of 1971. My sweet Aunt Nida sent them to me. God, they look young!
I have been terribly down lately...I don't know if it's hormonal or seasonal or just a mix of the two. Lately I've been questioning everything I've ever believed about parenting...specifically, I've had doubts about my parenting of Lolo.
When I'm at a crossroads, of when things are "not quite right" in my little world, I'm a bit of an ostrich. You know...stick my head in the sand until things are better. Bear with me, let me post my BS, and I'll be back to normal (whatever that is!) later on.
Kiddos: They can drive you crazy, right? (Meant in the nicest way possible, of course)! :-)
Shelby was sick last week for a day or so, which meant that I ran out to stock up on emergency supplies: soup, ginger ale, cold and flu meds, and Clorox wipes. I don't think she had an actual virus, but sure enough, Lolo, Dave, and I are all feeling a little out of sorts this week.
Lolo was running a fever Sunday night and most of Monday, yet I still went with Dave to see George Carlin's show last night. Hey, what can I say...we've had tickets for a month and a half, and they weren't cheap. And if Lolo had been blowing chunks, I would have stayed behind...as it was, she slept the whole time we were gone. (Gosh...all this rambling on. Could it be that I've got a case of good 'ol Mommy Guilt?)! Anyway, excellent show, although I got the impression that some folks there didn't realize that Mr. Carlin is an atheist. Some of his religious stuff got fewer laughs, I thought.
We had our taxes done, and it looks like we're getting a decent chunk back. David and I have decided that we absolutely cannot do without a 2nd desktop 'puter. Keep in mind we own one desktop and two laptops, but nevertheless...4 kids + 2 parents = 4 computers. Let me tell you, it's no easy thing to find time on the "big" computer, by the way. I need to be on fairly often because we have the printer hooked up here, and this is also where I like to load most of my pics. Tori would eat and sleep right here, beside the desktop, if I let her. The desktop computer is the only one that has Maple Story installed, and Tori absolutely adores this game. I also have tons of the kids' Favorites stored on this computer.
Ashlyn hates using a laptop (her words). She likes using a mouse, but hates "that wittle box that you put your fingers on"! (Ashlyn is a big fan of the word "hate", lately...no wishy-washy vocabulary with this one). Somewhere, we have a portable mouse that you can hook up to a laptop, but who the hell knows where it is? Lost (or tossed) in the move, probably.
I've managed to jot down (on paper) some unschooling "Aha!" moments, and will be posting them here in the next little bit. I'll leave you with just one:
Tonight Ashlyn was writing letters, and also some words she likes, and she got really frustrated when she "reversed" a capital Z. I asked to see her paper, and she had written each letter perfectly, with the exception of that pesky Z, so I said, "Ash...this is brilliant work! Don't worry so about one little letter"! She seemed to feel better after that, but then I took a pink pen and drew a big check-mark and (without thinking) wrote "A+".
Ashlyn promptly read it, and said, "What does a letter, PLUS mean? I just don't get it".
Funny.
I just told her it meant super-great-terrific. No further explanation necessary.
We all slept in later than usual, and honestly...who couldn't use that? ;-)
When Tori and Ashlyn woke up, I offered some granola to eat, while I was fixing one of their FAVES: Banana Bread! Yummy, yummy. Shelby is at her Dad's house till tonight, and I'm afraid there will be no banana bread left when she gets home...poor Shelby!
The girls wanted to do some Language Arts stuff last night (see previous post, Late-Night Schooling), so no pressure to do anything today. Honestly, I'm not pushing any of this stuff on them, and am actually a little discouraged that they seem to want to do school-y stuff. They both recently asked which "grade" they're in. Without going into a whole spiel about how grades are really irrelevant (in my opinion), I told them: "Ash, if you were in school, you'd be in 2nd grade. Tori, if you were in school, you'd be in 3rd grade".
Ashlyn's immediate response: "Second grade SUCKS...I want fird grade"! (Obviously, still a little trouble with that pesky "th"). ;-)
Hey, what does it matter to me? OK, Ash...you can work in one of Tori's "fird grade" books. Grades, schmades...school, schmool. Whatevah.
We watched American Idol together last night, me and the girls. Dave, who is allergic to any and all reality TV, went downstairs to play Civ on the computer. He told me to come down with him when the "crap" went off. I went downstairs to hang with Dave before he went to bed, sat on the couch giggling over Arrested Development (best damn show on TV, evah...sweartogawd) while he continued to play his game.
After a bit, the man turned around and said, "Ya know, this is what I love. I'm playing my game, doing my own thing, and I can hear you laughing behind me. I love just being in the same room as you, even though we're doing different things". I think I went over and kissed him after that. At least, I should have.
He shaved his beard yesterday morning, and woke me up saying "I hope I don't look too much younger than you now". He's 4 1/2 years younger than I...maybe I should have kicked him in the nads, hmm? ;-)
After David went to bed, I went online to find some coloring pictures for Lolo. Specifically, I was looking for Mickey Mouse stuff...she's fascinated by that little rodent lately. LOVES him! I found some stuff online, then searched on iTunes for songs from The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Ashlyn's big discovery for the night: "Mama, did you know that the guys who sing the Higglytown Heroes song also sing the song for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?". Well, I sure did, baby...it's They Might Be Giants!!! So I showed her the Here Come the ABCs CD we own, and then I found (on youTube) the vid for Birdhouse in Your Soul.
Damn, but that song holds up...love, love, love it. It makes me feel squishy inside.
I finally did find (and print off) some MM pictures for Loryn. She colored a bit, I turned my attention back to the computer, and a few minutes later I turned around to find this:
Forget coloring Mickey...Lolo drew him herself!
She definitely gets the artistic talent (hmmm...is that "autistic" talent, as well?) from Dave. I can't take any credit for that. Her beauty, however...well, that's all me! *snicker*
Here are some pictures of the artist/autist, from today.
We had a good, full day, weaving connections all the time.
Dave's Mother, Elsie, passed away July 4, 2006. She left us her house/property in Nelson County, Virginia, and we were there today to pack up some of her things.
We have decided to sell the property, which is a little sad for all of us. It's a beautiful piece of land, but the house needs more work than we can put into it at this time. We just bought our "dream home" in Staunton, and we've never been happier, but we're really gonna miss
Grandma's house.
So strange to be wearing a tank top and light-weight sweater on January 14! The high today was 69...absolutely gorgeous weather...which just made us miss Elsie more. She had quite a green thumb, and beautiful days like today remind me of her. I could just see her outside with us, puttering around in the garden and watching the girls run and play.
I am a blessed Mama who is happily learning and laughing along with my four daughters in Virginia's beautiful Shenandoah Valley. I'm married to a wonderful guy, David, who not only accepts me for who I am, but loves me in spite of mySelf. :-)
I'm happiest when I'm hanging out with my husband and my kids.
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