Over the Funk

I was, as you know, in a bit of a funk over the last week.

Things are better now, but I realize I wasn't specific (at least here, on the blog) about what the problem was.

Truth is, I don't know that I can be very specific, but I do know this:

Sometimes, when you're a Mama, you've just got to break down and cry. Especially if you're the Mama of a sweet little kid with Autism. I would substitute "issues" or "special needs" for the word "Autism", but let's call a spade a spade, shall we? Besides, I despise those terms...it is what it is: Autism. Autie. Lolo is an AUTist! She's AUTrageous! She's AUTta control!

Funny note: Today, Dave and I did our weekly shopping at Martin's, where there is a Kid's Treehouse (a little room with caregivers, computer games, crafts, make-believe area, etc.), so your kids can stay and play while you shop. (Did I mention that I freakin' LOVE Martin's? I was even able to fill up the van with premium gas for $1.45 a gallon, because of my savings there. Martin's rocks)!

So anyway, we're looking for the Melatonin (to help Lolo sleep), can't find it, and Dave calls me over to where he's looking. He tells me he found a supplement that we might want to try...it's called "Auti-Out"!

And I, ever the dumbass, fell for it. I actually went over and looked, before it hit me that he was joking. Good gawd.

In all seriousness, I had a couple of terrible days in a row, where I could do nothing all day because of Loryn's constant need to be in my space. If I showered, she cried. When I told her "no" over something, she hit me or kicked something. When I put my shoes on, she freaked out and followed me (crying, of course) from room to room. When we did go out, she ran off yelling, nearly getting lost in a store.

This was also the week when I saw this video.




And let me be honest: I found this video depressing. I cried for several minutes while I watched it, and even longer after I watched it.

But watching it again, just now, I see the beauty in silentmiaow's "native language". Watching it several days ago, however, when I was already feeling down, and more than a little stressed, was a bad idea.

Or maybe, it wasn't.

Maybe, it gave me some perspective.

Silentmiaow says that her language is about being in a constant conversation with every aspect of her environment. That made me think about Loryn, and also the way Ashlyn used to be (that is, more "typically" Autistic). What if Autistic people MUST interact with their environments in a "strange" (to us) manner? Hand flapping, chirping, cocking her head and squinting her eyes...these are just a few of Loryn's behaviours, but there are many, many more that Autists may exhibit. These bahaviours are beyond the Autistic person's control, yet so many NTs (Neuro-typicals) are uncomfortable in their presence. It saddens me, but then when I'm out somewhere with Loryn and I can feel the discomfort of others, it fucking pisses me off. I'm only a little bit ashamed to say that I've given my share of dirty looks right back, and even made some off-color remarks a time or two ("Do you have a fucking problem, asshole?" comes to mind). ;-) And I know people don't understand, and I should try to educate them about Autism and yada yada yada, but damn it makes me feel better, in that moment, to give it right back. Mama Lion and all that.

But, I had my cry (rather, cries) last week, and I feel much better now. We're experimenting with earlier bedtimes and more natural rhythms to our days (though, it IS 2:20 am now, and Loryn is still awake with me, eating Doritos and watching VeggieTales). It concerns me that Loryn will be 5 in May and is not trying to use the potty, and that she still wants to nurse several times a day, and that she still doesn't have more words, but it will get better. Now that my pity party is over, I'm seeing the sun shine again. All I have to do is look at Loryn's little face.