I really need to do this more...

but you know how it goes. It can be difficult to make time for the things that give you peace (blogging, writing, cooking, sex, what-have-you), when the shit is hitting the fan.

Rough couple of weeks here lately. Some days none of us can get "in the groove" of our day. Seems as if two of us are relatively satisfied, usually one or two others are in a funk. And who knows what is causing the funk? Certainly not Mama. :-(

Of course, most of the issues revolve around Loryn. Sometimes (most of the time, unfortunately), I put her happiness over anyone else's. Way over my own, at least. I try to be fair to the other girls, but it can be so draining when dealing with just Loryn's wants and needs. Those are the days I just feel like I have nothing else to give. Little tokens of appreciation and love help, but the sad fact is I'm not able to just BE with Shelby, Tori, and Ashlyn...not the way my heart and soul are wanting to.

And, of course, writing this makes me feel like shit. The last time I wrote about Loryn, (her Autism, the tantrums, the fear and confusion Dave and I have a lot of the time), the next day she got sick. Throwing up, high fever, etc.

Mama guilt? Yep, big time.

I am supposed to be participating in a Writing Group that some of my homeschooling Mama friends have formed, but this past week was the first time I actually went to one of the meetings. I even brought a piece I had written, that was chock-full of angst, depression, anger, and self-pity. I scrawled and scribbled out this 3 page bit after a particularly bad day with Loryn, and after I saw (on my state-wide homeschooling Yahoo group) a post from a Mom who is thinking of homeschooling her 6 year old daughter, but doesn't know how she'll keep from going crazy!!??!!


WTF???



Goddess, help me. If I knew this lady, I might have smacked her. ;-)

I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel, though. I got away for a couple of hours today (to the library by myself and to get my hair cut), and tonight Dave and I had a date night (we went to see Grindhouse, and it was awesome, of course!). When we got home, Loryn was just an angel. She has been super-sweet all night, and was even good for Granddad and Shelby while we were gone! Neither Dave nor I could remember the last time we went to the theater by ourselves. It must have been years.

Anyway, I promised Loryn, and myself, that I will be a better Mama. It's a promise I've got to make to all of my girls. Dave is off this weekend (he starts a new job Monday, BIG news here at home), so I hope I can take the girls out for a bit by ourselves. (Methinks a trip to Anime Hut is in our immediate future)! I really need to gather myself, and really be present for all of my children.

About the piece I wrote for the Writer's Group...I may post it here someday, but it's pretty depressing. I don't know how I'll feel knowing it's OUT, not tucked away safely in my journal. And I am fearful that people may think I really am a terrible Mom. The good news is that writing all of that shit out on paper seems to have helped me feel OK inside. I cried and scribbled, cried some more and scribbled some more, and it seems to have been a healing experience for me. So that's good, right?